Recently there has been a phrase reverberating in my mind “I need to live my life.” Certain events have driven me to a place of feeling the need to climb the highest peak in phoenix and to just shout “Carpe Diem!” I have a great peace and satisfaction in Christ, but I am longing for adventure, I am longing for fun, for pointless entertainment just so I can feel as if I have freedom. As one who always has a plan, I have structure and schedules to most of my time, and more importantly, I always attempt to have my life mapped out. Now these thoughts were shedding from my mind and I just longed for a means to get me to a moment of freedom. The drug I was chasing was that of adrenaline, and the only fix was to do what I wanted, when I wanted. I felt alive at the thought of just aimlessly earning money and spending for my own enjoyment as I just sought after selfishness for the sake of selfishness. I found a job opportunity that would eat little into my schedule but allow me the wages to fund the lifestyle I was now turned on to. It seemed to all be coming together in my mind.
Oh God how it seemed so clear. How I could see God drawing me to this place and wanting it for me. How close this happiness was, how I was finally figuring it out, I was finally seeing my joy coming within arm’s reach. I knew I was intelligent, and if I wanted could earn a good living applying my intelligence to a number of occupations. Why was I not doing this? The plans began to unfold in my mind: finally financial stability, finally getting new drums, finally expanding my weapon arsenal, finally just visiting friends, finally. Now let me take a moment to say that this was not some Godless realization that was ultimately for my selfishness, instead I wanted to discover what I wanted out of life. I just wanted to see what my passions would grant me and how I could find small joy in hobby’s and in no way longed to replace my longing or satisfaction of Christ. This was not me on a mission to gain pleasure out of this world, but instead it was me realizing that I have the ability (and possibly the means) to do things I counted as not possible. This was my moment to dream.
I could do this, I could get out of debt, I could be free of living a life of poverty. I found my mind racing at the possibilities for hours upon end. The freedom I have at my fingertips, the ease of diving into it; and it would have been so easy to keep falling into it. I didn’t want something horribly selfish, I know my tithing would always be adequate, and that I would not be anywhere close to filthy rich so there was not a major threat of materialism creeping in. I was not longing for the world to be mine, for the stars to bow to me; I just wanted to be free to pursue what I wanted. Surely God wanted me to grasp happiness, to gain the things that I have been longing for and not neglect the stewardship required with such freedom. Surely I was not longing for some evil thing to satisfy me in the place of God, I just wanted my life to be comfortable and fun for a change.
I was finding such excitement in the possibilities when I decided to do some reading. Let me preface this with the fact that I am big fan of the writings of Dr. John Piper (Anyone who has known me for 10 minutes knows this). I have been rereading a few works of his and I came across one that was given me upon my High School graduation from my church family. Inside it written were the words “May you come to find greater happiness and joy in God than anything else in this life,” signed my church family. I was not shaken by these words, for honestly I knew my heart and it was not to try to find satisfaction in any of the things I longed for. I was rooted well in the understanding that my only true satisfaction came from the divine. This was not a convicting moment, not a revelation of “how selfish am I being,” for honestly I was not craving such things out of some materialistic drive, but out of a longing to embrace each day of this life I have been given.
I began to read the words of this famous book of Piper’s. He retells the story of himself as a boy seeing a man who had been prayed for for decades by a congregation. One night this very man slowly came down to the aisle of the church to submit himself to Christ. As joyous as this occasion should have been, the man could not stop sobbing, for the only words he could utter were “Oh God, I’ve wasted it. I’ve wasted it.” The decades of his life that were not spent in the arms of Christ, wasted, entirely. Seizing the day seems to strike a bitter note in my heart for the first time. I knew my longings were for reasons of self discovery, for developing into the man Christ would have me; and yet the thought strikes me that at the end of the next year of my life I would look to Jesus and simply say “Look at my drums!” Or even say “What a fun year I have had.” Oh how it would be a waste. Again, I cannot over emphasize that this process was not to find satisfaction in such items that I longed for, but instead to understand what I really want out of life, and yet what a waste. How bitter the taste in my mouth to think that I could walk before the starving and impoverished in the world and say “trust Jesus with all you have,” when I would long to squander the freedom God granted me.
I do not mean to advocate for the self abasement and poverty gospel that our evangelical culture can be seen to embrace. Instead I call into question my longing to seize today and would easily write the purposes of Christ out of it. I would gladly pursue temporary comforts and fun all in the name of adventure instead of humbling myself before the throne of God above and saying “Here am I, send me!” I would be content to get what I want out of today rather than ask what He would have me do with my today. Oh God, do not let me waste my life. Do not let the comforts of this place be more appealing than advancing your kingdom. Do not let my desires be wasted. Do not let my work be wasted, do not let my today be wasted. I want to seize today, but only if it counts, and is not another moment wasted. A day spent walking with you, seeking your command is never wasted. You save me from the longing of comfort, you save me from the American dream. God you save me from my wants, and let me want what truly matters: You.
Philippians 3:8 “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.”
If your comfortable with it you should put up the Hawaii thing that you read us the other night. If your not... I'd at least like to read it again.
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