All This For a King

6 hours on a plane; airport shuffle to the rental car, driving through amazing green tropics, arriving at the room, I open the balcony doors and step out: welcome to Kauai.  I breathe in the deep ocean air and take in the glorious view of the bluest water crashing against the bluff.  I am without words save for “All this for a king.”  Every grain of sand, every passing wave, every breaching whale: all for a king, the king.  I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the beauty of this place and feel so insignificant amidst God’s vast creation.  Every smell is new to me, every sight is refreshing, and every sound reminds me of how far I am away from my ordinary life.

            Inside this moment I make an evaluation of my life, my jobs, my relationships, my attitudes; regret sets in.  I am not where everyone else is.  I am not as happy as everyone around me, I am without the joy that seemingly comes so easily for all others, but avoids my heart.  The woman I am in love with is not yet my wife, my bills barely get paid most months, my hard work for a degree goes useless (aside from providing plenty of debt); I know change is needed, but where to start?  I look around at the magnificent creation of a sovereign God and then look at my life and cannot help but think “All this for a king?”  How can this life be fit for a king?  How can the creator of such beauty look proudly upon me and say that I too am for Him?  The scenery is perfect, yet I am far from calm inside.

            I take in more deep breaths; just then Julia comes outside to the view with me.  I hold her hand as I relay my feelings of anxiety and confusion.  I know the rocks and sand serve a purpose to a king, but how is it that my life seems to lack such a purpose right now, in front of this great display of glory.   

            I wake up the next morning and sit on the balcony with my MacArthur NASB; I am yearning for the text to speak to me and give be hope.  Paul is speaking to the Jews and Gentiles about God’s work in salvation.  Chapter one gives three things to look for: hope of His Calling, riches of the inheritance, and the glory of His power bestowed on us.  These three promises are not just for me to selfishly claim.  But are in fact for the same king who grants them.  That my life may be hopeful in this calling (Hebrews 11 tells me that my view of success is not the same as God’s) that it may find glory in the riches of my inheritance (1 Peter tells me that this is not for today, but for the day of His revelation) and that I may delight in the power given me (Romans 8 says I am more than a conqueror) then I can gladly say my life is all for a king, The King. 

            I find the view to have less appeal as I reflect on my purpose, whether painful or pleasant, whether I shut the mouths of lions or get devoured (Hebrews 11), no matter my journey I must find joy in knowing that my everything is for a king.  I hold the hand of my love, I share this revelation, we worship our King.  It’s all for Him.

Oh God, I've wasted it

Recently there has been a phrase reverberating in my mind “I need to live my life.”  Certain events have driven me to a place of feeling the need to climb the highest peak in phoenix and to just shout “Carpe Diem!”  I have a great peace and satisfaction in Christ, but I am longing for adventure, I am longing for fun, for pointless entertainment just so I can feel as if I have freedom.  As one who always has a plan, I have structure and schedules to most of my time, and more importantly, I always attempt to have my life mapped out.  Now these thoughts were shedding from my mind and I just longed for a means to get me to a moment of freedom.  The drug I was chasing was that of adrenaline, and the only fix was to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  I felt alive at the thought of just aimlessly earning money and spending for my own enjoyment as I just sought after selfishness for the sake of selfishness.  I found a job opportunity that would eat little into my schedule but allow me the wages to fund the lifestyle I was now turned on to.  It seemed to all be coming together in my mind.

Oh God how it seemed so clear.  How I could see God drawing me to this place and wanting it for me. How close this happiness was, how I was finally figuring it out, I was finally seeing my joy coming within arm’s reach.  I knew I was intelligent, and if I wanted could earn a good living applying my intelligence to a number of occupations.  Why was I not doing this?  The plans began to unfold in my mind: finally financial stability, finally getting new drums, finally expanding my weapon arsenal, finally just visiting friends, finally.  Now let me take a moment to say that this was not some Godless realization that was ultimately for my selfishness, instead I wanted to discover what I wanted out of life.  I just wanted to see what my passions would grant me and how I could find small joy in hobby’s and in no way longed to replace my longing or satisfaction of Christ.  This was not me on a mission to gain pleasure out of this world, but instead it was me realizing that I have the ability (and possibly the means) to do things I counted as not possible.  This was my moment to dream.

 I could do this, I could get out of debt, I could be free of living a life of poverty.  I found my mind racing at the possibilities for hours upon end. The freedom I have at my fingertips, the ease of diving into it; and it would have been so easy to keep falling into it.  I didn’t want something horribly selfish, I know my tithing would always be adequate, and that I would not be anywhere close to filthy rich so there was not a major threat of materialism creeping in.  I was not longing for the world to be mine, for the stars to bow to me; I just wanted to be free to pursue what I wanted.  Surely God wanted me to grasp happiness, to gain the things that I have been longing for and not neglect the stewardship required with such freedom.  Surely I was not longing for some evil thing to satisfy me in the place of God, I just wanted my life to be comfortable and fun for a change.

I was finding such excitement in the possibilities when I decided to do some reading. Let me preface this with the fact that I am big fan of the writings of Dr. John Piper (Anyone who has known me for 10 minutes knows this).  I have been rereading a few works of his and I came across one that was given me upon my High School graduation from my church family.  Inside it written were the words “May you come to find greater happiness and joy in God than anything else in this life,” signed my church family.  I was not shaken by these words, for honestly I knew my heart and it was not to try to find satisfaction in any of the things I longed for.  I was rooted well in the understanding that my only true satisfaction came from the divine.  This was not a convicting moment, not a revelation of “how selfish am I being,” for honestly I was not craving such things out of some materialistic drive, but out of a longing to embrace each day of this life I have been given. 

I began to read the words of this famous book of Piper’s.  He retells the story of himself as a boy seeing a man who had been prayed for for decades by a congregation.  One night this very man slowly came down to the aisle of the church to submit himself to Christ.  As joyous as this occasion should have been, the man could not stop sobbing, for the only words he could utter were “Oh God, I’ve wasted it.  I’ve wasted it.”  The decades of his life that were not spent in the arms of Christ, wasted, entirely.  Seizing the day seems to strike a bitter note in my heart for the first time.  I knew my longings were for reasons of self discovery, for developing into the man Christ would have me; and yet the thought strikes me that at the end of the next year of my life I would look to Jesus and simply say “Look at my drums!” Or even say “What a fun year I have had.”  Oh how it would be a waste.  Again, I cannot over emphasize that this process was not to find satisfaction in such items that I longed for, but instead to understand what I really want out of life, and yet what a waste.  How bitter the taste in my mouth to think that I could walk before the starving and impoverished in the world and say “trust Jesus with all you have,” when I would long to squander the freedom God granted me. 

I do not mean to advocate for the self abasement and poverty gospel that our evangelical culture can be seen to embrace.  Instead I call into question my longing to seize today and would easily write the purposes of Christ out of it. I would gladly pursue temporary comforts and fun all in the name of adventure instead of humbling myself before the throne of God above and saying “Here am I, send me!”  I would be content to get what I want out of today rather than ask what He would have me do with my today.   Oh God, do not let me waste my life.  Do not let the comforts of this place be more appealing than advancing your kingdom.  Do not let my desires be wasted.  Do not let my work be wasted, do not let my today be wasted.  I want to seize today, but only if it counts, and is not another moment wasted.   A day spent walking with you, seeking your command is never wasted.  You save me from the longing of comfort, you save me from the American dream.  God you save me from my wants, and let me want what truly matters: You.

Philippians 3:8 “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.”

1 Corinthians 6:12 “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable.  All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”    

Pain

“Struggling to put things into the hands of God is often revealing of my arrogance: I am fighting to control something He is obviously sovereign over, and I am prideful enough to think it isn't already in His hands.”

            I find myself in a place of pain.  I find myself questioning, a lot.  The words of my closest friends fall upon ears that are deafened by self centeredness.  The often heard phrases right now are “God has the best in store,” or even “Trust Jesus.”  Well to be blunt, I don’t care about what the best is when I only long for relief, and I have a deep loathing for anyone who gives me doctrine in moments of emotional distress.  I know such people mean only the best for me and long to try to comfort me, but honestly I know what the answers are most of the time; I just don’t know how to make the pain stop. 

            My life recently took an interesting turn that I was completely blindsided by, and I have not handled it well.  The first day I was looking for anything to make me feel numb and I found just that in a bottle of Canadian LTD. Amidst this poor behavior I had friends try to comfort me, but I wanted to be alone and begged them to leave.  Inside that moment I hated the world, and hated myself, and questioned the past year of my life in its entirety.  I questioned why God would bring to such a seemingly joyous place only to strip all the joy from me in an instant.  I questioned if the entire previous 10 months had been a mistake.  I questioned if I had any right to be sure of what I felt was so certain.  I woke up the next morning not feeling well, for multiple reasons, and soon the pain caught up with me.   I faced the rest of that day with tears welled up in my eyes ready to overflow at a moment’s notice.  I was looking for a place and moment to just fall apart and get the tears to exit their familiar location.   That night I cried until I exhausted myself to the point that my body had to give way to sleep.  

            The third day was a day of performance.  I tried to convince myself that everything would be fine and went about the day acting as if my heart was not shattered.  I tried to distract myself with the mundane tasks I perform at my occupation.  I remember leaving work and when in the parking lot knowing that if a car sped by and hit me, I still could not feel any lower than I did.  I came home and found comfort in a friend and was finally free to convey the message that I had so severely guarded: I am not ok.  I am not having good thoughts, I don’t understand why God is doing this, and I have no assurance that anything will be ok anytime soon.  I was finally able to admit my struggle, and say that I was lost.  I was not trusting God, I was not with perspective, I was not joyful, and I was not able to change any of it. 

            I recalled all of the right answers to this situation, that God is in control, He is sovereign, His plan is better than I can imagine, and that if the seemingly worst happened it would be for the best.  I knew them in my head, but nothing mended the tear in my heart.  Nothing, no matter how biblical, seemed to offer comfort, or seemed to ensure me that relief could soon be mine.  I tried to imagine how this could be good in the end, how it could bring glory to God, how I could one day have my joy restored and know that my satisfaction has been found in Christ and by nothing else.  But all attempts were without avail and I continually found myself shouting amidst tears, “Jesus, I don’t know how to trust you with this right now!” 

            And there it was, the root of my anguish, the beginnings of my affliction; that I just was without a picture of what it meant to find satisfaction in Christ amidst pain.  I knew the now infamous John Piper Quote “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him,” but how do I be satisfied in Christ when all I long for is my selfish desires to be fulfilled?  How do I shift my longing for only one outcome to the longing to be fulfilled in Christ regardless of the turns of the journey God puts before me?  I don’t know how to do anything except ask for what I want out of the situation, and because of it I almost missed the point of the entire situation.  Psalm 73:25-26

Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides you I desire nothing on earth.  My flesh and my heart [and my girlfriend] may fail but You are the strength of my heart and my potion forever.

This makes God look glorious, as God not as giver of gifts, or girlfriends, or comfort.  This makes God show as He is, my strength, my portion, and my hope.  I find hope in things that are designed to fail, and when they do I don’t know how to trust the one thing that never stops satisfying.  I long for the temporal and question why it hurts when it falls apart. 

            I am far from knowing how this struggle will continue, and I cannot even bear the emotional strain of hypothesizing the end.  Amidst the uncertainty, amidst the tears, and amidst the waiting, I know that my only satisfaction comes from the supreme Christ who demonstrates grace and mercy that is new every morning.  I see now that for so long I found too much satisfaction in the gifts God granted me, and when they were seemingly taken from me I lacked the ability to declare Christ as my most treasured possession.  Tomorrow is another chance to demonstrate the worth of Christ to me.  Tomorrow I can do what I have not been doing, trust Jesus with my inadequacy.  Tomorrow I  will still long for relief, I will still long for the outcome I have been craving. Tomorrow will have tears, and joy.  Tomorrow life will go on and I will see Christ as my treasure, my joy, my strength.  Tomorrow I live out Psalm 73.